A precious gift. – With the holiday season coming up and families taking time for each other, I’m in the mood to write a blog with a more private character this time. It’s the time of the year of presents and gifts. It’s the gifts that made me dream…because I feel like we’re in this fortunate position of leaving people with gifts throughout the whole year :-). Leaders, managers, people who participated in our corporate development programs leave with a gift. The priceless gift is that they can use what they learned in all areas of their lives – not just work but also at home, in their relationships with their spouses, children and friends.
It has happened often that a participant – successful corporate leader AND father – comes to me and says the following:
“I think I finally start to understand one of my kids…. I think my son is a rebel-base kid… Can you give me some tricks how to change him or how to make him understand that to be successful in business later on in life, you have to be logical, organized and hard working… I keep on explaining him over and over again…and I don’t seem to be getting through to him…”
No, you can’t change them… but you can show them ways so that they get access to those other parts in them and use more of their potential. For that, the secret is that you have to find the rebel in you, first!
I hope this blog will be an inspiration to all leaders, managers, people who in their privates lives are parents with rebel-base children to embrace, accept and love them as they are and give them what they really need.
I use the word “Base”, which in PCM-language means that this is the most dominant personality type present. Everybody has access to all personality types in a certain order and to a certain degree. So, we don’t label or “box” people, and we speak of a base.
Rebel base kids (and adults too) are spontaneous, creative and playful. Their primary perception is through spontaneous emotional reactions and they value fun. They experience a spontaneous emotional reaction to people and situations with likes and dislikes. They love humor and interact with others in a playful way. The psychological need for a rebel kid or adult is playful contact. Now, if this psychological need, the rebel’s primary motivation, is not met in a positive way, he will start looking for it in a negative way – better than nothing at all! They start to be provocative, become negative and complaining, easily bored and vengeful and blame other people or situations.
I am a thinker-base and have the rebel in me on my 5th floor. What does this mean?
As a thinker-base person, I am logical, structured and responsible. My primary perception is through thoughts and I value logic. (Note the rebel’s primary perception is through emotional reactions and they value fun….) Furthermore, the way, I view the world is by analyzing people and situations through data, facts and information. (Note the rebel: through spontaneous reactions and likes & dislikes!). Understanding the logic of things is most important to me. (Not humor, which is the rebel’s favorite). The way I am motivated as a thinker base (thus my psychological need) is when I get recognition for my achievements. (for the rebel, it is playful contact….) And if I don’t get my needs met in a positive way, I will look for them in negative ways…which means I get frustrated about those who can’t think clearly and don’t see things the way I see them. I will become over controlling and start doing the thinking for them….
Are you starting to feel it?
– Do you recognize the predictable miscommunication between the two personality types which is like “preprogrammed” to happen?
– Can you imagine how simply through our own personality architecture and the basis we have most dominant in ourselves, we perceive from the limited view of our own perception and miss the connection with the other, totally different way of perceiving from the other person?
– Our psychological need (our motivation) is what drives us. Can you think of the potential conflict when my rebel child is seeking playful contact and I (persister) mom seeks to be recognized for my opinions?
– Have you ever experienced “I have told him (her) more than a 100 times and I don’t seem to get through”? When I hear this, I often ask: “did you tell him/her 100 times in the same way? If so, what makes you think nr 101 in the same way will make the message come through…?
Well, to quote Taibi: “If you want them to listen to what you say, talk their language.” It means I have to connect with the rebel inside of me, and shift perception to really connect on an intimate level with my child.
Having the rebel in me at my 5th floor means that I can cope with people who have the rebel as a basis but not for a very long period of time. Not as long as when I am in my basis (my home, my comfort zone). The floors that we have higher up in our architecture, we don’t visit them that often and it takes us more energy if we have to work or live with people who have that personality type as a basis which we have higher up in our architecture and to a lesser extent.
The good news is that those are like muscles. With desire, awareness and consiousness and a bit of training, we can flex those muscles again and use more of our whole potential!
Through gaining these insights on my very first PCM seminar in 2003, I started to look at my children with completely different eyes. I recognized them for who they are and could let go of wanting them to be in a certain way.
Through Taibi’s research we know that most adults only use their first 2 or 3 floors of their personality architecture.
So, after the PCM seminar, I knew I had to awaken the rebel in me… My rebel parts had fallen asleep in the 5th floor. I didn’t visit that floor very often. I knew if I wanted to really connect with my child, I would have to flex that muscle again. I recognised that part in me and also realized it hadn’t lived anymore for many years. My delightful rebel kid was my teacher. I learned so much from him. Today I can’t imagine a life without a space for the rebel in me 🙂 which is really cool and I enjoy it a lot.
So if your child is playful, spontaneous, creative, motivated by playful, upbeat and stimulating contact with the world, is an active and kinesthetic learner…get curious… you might have a healthy delicious rebel kid! The greatest gift you can give a rebel child is to ensure that they have enough playful contact. Because that is their psychological need, it is what motivates them and what charges their batteries. When their batteries are charged, they have access to the workaholic parts (data/facts/info/logical/structured/organized) in them which they need to go through our school system.
Have a wonderful holiday season!
P.S. If you are curious and you want to learn more about all the 6 Kahler PCM Personality Types, join us on our next open seminar in March or April!